Oh violet bridesmaids dress, I loved you so,

I miss the way you gently made my waist grow!

Yet I will always have affection for you Periwinkle blue,

the way your long chiffon protected me from groomsmen spew.

But, no one compares to you Hooker Red,

The way you kept all eyes on me as the conga line was led.

Oh bridesmaids dresses, you are a honor to wear,

True friendship wears all colors without a care.

Now that I have probably dis-throwned myself from ever being asked again to be in another wedding for the rest of my life I can blog this morning…..(*Side note (or attempt to get foot out of mouth)…I really have felt honored to be in every wedding that I have been asked to be in. No matter what the dresses have looked like, I think its an even trade for the jokes I make during my speeches So a friend of mine is getting married and she has led her ladies passed the Jessica McClintock, Macy’s and Bloomingdales stores and decided to stop in front of  Anthropologie for her dresses.

I think this is a genius idea! One of the girls in the wedding said, “I will ACTUALLY wear this dress again.” I took a look at the Anthropologie dresses this morning and they are so super duper cute! If you are going to spend $150 -$200 on a dress then what better place to spend it then at a place that you can also pick up some new drawer knobs? Cuteness all around! Check out the Maritime one below! Have a great weekend girls!

Love, HonestChitChat

How do you tell your girlfriend that she rocks? Make her a block! For Lana girls birthday I got crafty and made her an itty bitty block with pictures of us at her fab-parties, with a little note on the bottom.  She is so cute and has been such a good friend that she deserved to be cemented on the block of fame. It came out pretty cute too…Make one for your best girlfriends…

Tools:

2×2 inch block, pink paint, jewels and gem stones, blackand white photos cropped to 2×2 inches, rubber cement glue, sealant, paint brushes.

How to:

1.) Select the photos you want to use and change them to black and white in photo shop, by changing the “mode”

2.) Crop photos to 2×2

3.) Paint little block pink

4.) Cut out excess background from pictures

5.) Glue on dried block.

6.) Write little quote, “I love you friend” or a personal note to your beloved friend in photoshop. Crop the note to 2×2 inches and get it developed on photo paper with your other black and white prints. Glue it on the top and bottom of the block.

7.) Adhere all jewels, gems and princess like bedazzlements!

8.) Paint on sealant so everything stays in one memorable place.

9.) Make a wish on your block that you and your friend will stay friends forever, through thick and thin, summer and winter, chick flicks, the office and burnt spaghetti!

Love your BFF,

HonestChitChat 

One of my best girl friends in the whole wide world was telling me about a book she was reading. It’s called Three cups of tea. She explained the name to me. If you are a guest you get 1 cup of tea. If you are a friend you get 2 cups of tea. If you are a friend thats practically family you get 3 cups of tea. I got all, “my little pony” and “cabbage patch doll” on her and gushed, “You are a 3 cups of tea kind of friend to me!” Esspcially since her book inspired my new art piece in my Etsy.com shop.

After thinking about this a little more though I thought about the signifigance of having “tea” with a friend. I mean you can easily down 3 cocktails at a bar on a friday night with some gal pals, you can easily walk down to Java Joes with your co-workers 3 times in one day and then bolt back to your cube, but how many people can you really sit and have 3 cups of tea with? How many friends do I have that are patient enough to sit with me through all of my drama, jokes and reinactments of lunacy in broad daylight? If you have a “3 cups of tea kind of friend” I suggest you hold on to them tight and make them some cupcakes tonight cause those kind of sweeties are a rare and exotic sugar cane.

However, as far as tea goes…..I am way over it! I was doing a detox for the past few months and the only way I will ever take green tea again is if it’s a ice cream, fozen yogurt or mochi flavor. However, if you want the best Soy milk chai tea in the WHOLE WIDE IRVINA WORLD…(which covers travel to 6 countries) you’ll want to go to Alta in Newport Beach. It only comes in medium though (which equals 3 Irvina mini tea cups Have great day friends! xoxoxo

I’ll let you in on a secret….I think that I am pretty funny. I think it’s the gift of being half Jewish and half Mexican…or as I like to call myself a “Jew Jew Bean” A little chair raising with a pinata in the air and you have a fiesta with one jolly chick…Me!

So I was visiting my little sister up in San Fran this weekend when to my delight we were cordially invited to a Sedar dinner. Being the Jew for Jesus that I am I was so stoked to attend! To the unfortunate melody of my rumbling stomache I learned that the Jews in San Fran take on a Sedar dinner Old testament style where they sacrafise their blood sugar for the sake of knowledge and God. Meaning they did the ritual prayers before dinner…Let me give you the stats: 4 hours of sitting through rituals and chow time didn’t start till midnight. I told my sister, “The Christians Sedar dinner is better…we eat…then we pray….and we get carrot cake!” My sister scolded me with her hazel eyes. But, really I took pictures to show evidence of my inncoence. Look at the scene below. Grown women are so hungry that they are throwing back their heads in angst. Before it was even time to eat it the matzo bread was rationed without one measurment of the carb content. *Dinner Party Tip of the day….If you’re going to host a Sedar dinner (and want the people to blog about the food) feed the people first….but if you have to sit through it get creative and make yourself a …..

Jew Jew Bean doll…like I did! Sexy ain’t she? And if you really know how to play your cards right you’ll get lucky with a sweet little sis like mine…..

 …who will reward your patience and take you to Tangerine in San Francisco for breakfast. Order the Zuchinni Latke. It ain’t no Gefilte Fish! Trust me! Shalom!

So for all my fabulous fans you know I have taken a step away from writing and dove into some creating. Ahhhhhhhh the beauty of being misdiagnosed as “Creative” instead of “ADD” Can you imagine me on Ritalin? It’s a shame really I could probably make the best batch of Peanut-Brittle-Ritallin you ever did taste! I need to market that!

Anyway, I have been working on these mixed media pieces. I am thinking of scanning them and making them into a little box of greeting cards. I am going to sell the originals and prints on my Etsy shop. Here’s a fun little game for you guys. Can you find the old bridemaids dress fabric that I cut up and glue on the artwork? *Past victimized- faux -fashioned- bridesmaids in the same wedding are prohibited from playing.

So just as much as easily as I get bored of my favorite pair of jeans, I get bored of coconut french toast. Yes, it’s possible. So I have been busting out some new breakfast recipes. The other splendid, sunday morning I tried out a a fritata recipe  I had and I was really shocked that it was actually easy to make (Like EASSSSSSSSSY…were talkin…EASY BAKE OVEN style- EASY) . The recipe serves 4 generously, I say round up the ladies and have a sunny brunch before you hit the beach!  

Friendly Fritata recipe

Serves 4 ladies, girls or 3 hungry chicks with low blood sugar

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 small onion, diced

2 cloves garlic

1 red bell pepper, chopped

2 tablespoons dried oregano

3 cups fresh spinach

½ teaspoon salt

1 ¼ cups egg substitute

¼ cup milk

Pinch black pepper

1.)    Heat the oil in a large non stick skillet over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, bell pepper and oregano. Cook, stirring, until the onion turns golden, about 5 minutes. Add the spinach and half the salt, cover and cook until the spinach is wilted, about 2 minutes

2.)    Preheat the broiler

3.)    Whisk together the liquid egg, milk, the remaining salt and the black pepper in a small bowl

4.)    Pour the mixture into a pie tin, put over flame and stir gently to combine with spinach mixture. Cook, stirring gently, for about 2 minutes, lifting the edges to allow uncooked egg to run underneath. Cook until the top is sent, about another 3 mintues.

5.)    Place the pie tin under the broiler for abou 3 m inutes or until the frittata is golden brown and a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

This is super yummy served with a whole grain toast!

 For all my blogging, writing, Princesses out there!

Keep your candy canes close at hand!

The Pretty Witty Writer had lots to write about! 

 Down came the critics that freaked the writer out!

Out came the Princess that wacked them with a candy cane!

And the Pretty Witty Writer started to write again!

How to: Have the Best Party Etiquette
Live for today, Plan for tomorrow, Party tonight! – Author Unknown

So I meant to post this back during the holidays when everyone was ever so nonchalantly pouring half the bottle of red wine into their Santa Clause mugs, sending SOS texts to their friends in the bathroom and pretending that they got some garland stuck in their eyelashes when they were caught rolling their eyes at the drunk speeches about how “most of those immigrants are fat and Jesus probably doesn’t even like rice and beans.” Sorry to leave you hangin’ but HonestChitChat was busy getting “Trophy wife” lessons from her mom. Yes, I now officially know how to make Cioppino and (sort of) knit. Now I can marry a rich sailor, use the fish and shrimp he catches to make into a stew and knit some cute little oven mitts with a gold anchor on them that go with our nautical themed kitchen… TOTALLY JOKING.… But, I’m really insulted that you think I would actually have a nautical themed kitchen. That’s so 1987.

Anyway, between all the parties I was prancing around I noticed the same uninvited guest at all of them, AWKWARD Girl. You can’t see her, but she’s there sitting on the shoulder of the most unexpected girls (and even some guys.) She’s so tacky and un cute and says rude things like, “You are lame” And “You are wearing the wrong dress.” She’s a hoe accessorized wearing earrings that clink with anxiety and handing out bangles of depression. The sad thing is when she’s around everyone forgets their Party Etiquette and instead pick up Awkward Etiquette. Tragedy on the social front! Well I have decided that we all need to wage war on Awkward Girl so I have called in PARTY Girl to the rescue. Now PARTY girl always has the best etiquette, is always so cute no matter what she’s wearing (cause it doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, this ain’t no fashion show it’s a PARTY.) So I am giving you all PARTY girl powers for all of your upcoming St.Patty’s Day parties, birthday parties, tea parties, weddings, birthdays, engagements, beer brewings, tequila tastings and rubber duck derbies that you all plan on attending this Spring. May the PARTY Girl etiquette powers be with you!

P- Present

A- Acknowledge

R- Relieve

T- Talk

Y- Yiddish

Present: You are the present. You did not get invited because you know how to properly hold a wine glass by the stem (as interesting and cute as you look doing that.) You are there because somebody wants you PRESENT. So relax and PRESENT yourself as you are. Besides bringing yourself you also want to bring an actual, tangible, maybe drinkable? (Hint..hint) PRESENT to share. Consider it a “Thank you for having such good taste in people like me gift” gift. The bottle can also double as a weapon against Awkward girl when she shows up on your shoulder. Instructions: Take the bottle and wack her with it. If that doesn’t work stab her with the bottle opener. Tell her “Sorry sistah, ain’t no room for an awkward girl at this V.I.P. party. Why don’t you go bleed outside.”

Acknowledge: Okay so maybe you got invited to a party where you know absolutely no one, but the person who brought you. Instead of talking to Awkward Girl about how you really need to buy a new deodorant because you can smell the b.o. that is staining your white laced blouse why don’t you grab Party Girl and go find the person who is throwing this party. As in the person who lives here, maybe the bride, the little leprechaun with the dreadlocks passing out the four leaf clover shaped brownies. It’s nice for a host/hostess to be acknowledged and hear that the hot pink chandelier in the kitchen was a good call.

Relieve: If you can’t relieve yourself of Awkward girl why don’t you try and relieve someone else. Lets say there is 36 guests and only one person cutting birthday cake, scooping ice cream and handing out slices. Be a great guest and relieve some of the stress of the birthday girl. Offer to hand out slices of the yummy apple cake. Did you see someone accidentally spill punch on the leather sectional sofa? Do you not know what a paper towel is? The PARTY girl will tell you: Paper towel: White with sporadic splashes of color. Usually contains a small flower print. Sturdier than toilette paper, softer than printer paper. Usually kept in the kitchen to the right of the sink. Disposable and useful during a spill. Hop to the helping with the mess and be called a great guest!

Talk: I tend to talk a lot. That’s why I have this blog so no one can interrupt me while I speak. Yes, I have 5 sisters. I don’t think a lot about what I say before I say it. This makes for a lot of awkward moments and equally a lot of laughs. Personally I think whatever politically incorrect, slightly ditzy, gender biased thing I have to say is far better than any thing Awkward girl has to say. When I don’t have anything good to say I cock my head to the right, smile and say “Do you know if there are any current studies on if sea turtles have gay tendencies?” As in I ask other people questions. It shows good etiquette when you can talk to people. I would take a good look around a party and see if you notice anyone else being ambushed by Awkward girl. If you see such a unfortunate soul you know how much this sucks. So why don’t you use some PARTY girl etiquette and save them. Everyone loves a hero. So ask the bartender to make you a mint julep and go yackety yack with the lonesome one and if they know about the turtle thing you let me know.

Yiddish: Don’t think I can’t hear you. “Yiddish? What the frick HonestChitChat, I came here because I changed my outfit 10 times before this frickin’ party and my date is going to be here in 11 minutes and you want to take the time to take me over the Atlantic and give me a history lesson?!?!” Let me explain and I would go with the short white one. I’m Jewish. Actually I am Check Slovakian Jewish and Mexican. I call myself a “Chex-Mex” “Always good at a party.” Anyway when Awkward Girl shows up remember that I (the beloved author of your favorite blog) could have been one of the Yiddish speaking Jews who got killed in the Holocaust. However for some awkward twist of fate between toe tags, baklavas and the attraction between two people in the L.A. county court house I am a party hopping 20 something girl today. Life is short girls, have a good time while your human experience lasts. Pull your shoulders back, stick your boobs out,, get some chutzpah and smile (those braces were expensive.) Mazel Tov!

Sometimes I think if I was a dog it would be so nice,

Well besides the food and getting lice.

How sweet it would be to not have to work so hard,

To sunbathe naked all day in the yard.

To not be shakin’ by an alarm clock from my slumber,

To not ask, “Does this leash make me look dumber?”

To not have to pay bills, study or care about my weight,

For once to have it be proper etiquette to lick from the plate.

To have every cute guy say, “I want to be a dad and have 9 kids with you.”

Course monogamy isn’t a trick dogs know how to do.

Actually dogs don’t get much of a choice,

Their lives are like hanging out the window of a Rolls Royce.

Never getting to decide where the car might go,

Who knew there was so much power in the words, “yup” and “heck no!”

I decide if I want to sip a cocktail by the beach

Or if a latte and renaissance art is more my speech.

I decide if I want to spend money on turquoise stilettos and  getting inked,

Or if I’d rather take a trip to Mozambique.

For lunch I can choose between sushi, rabbit or tofurkey meat,

I can decide the toe nail color on my feet.

I decide my faith, my job and when I have sex

And speaking of that, when my boyfriend becomes my “x.”

A dog may get a lot of time to chillax,

But being able to say, “yup” and “heck no”

Is worth learning how to fax.

Give me Britney Spears for three uninterrupted days and I swear I could fix her. We would start our adventure off with breakfast at Zabie’s in Santa Monica. When she attempted to order a Mimosa on a Friday at 10 am I would so gently, but firmly slap her hand and say, “Britney babe listen, Rule #1: Monday through Friday breakfast beverages consist of coffee, o.j., grapefruit juice and soy milk (for all my Southern fans in L.A. girls wear the cow we don’t drink it.) On Saturday and Sunday you are more than welcomed to order a Mimosa or a Bloody Mary, but just as a friendly reminder if it feels a little odd to be taking shots of Grey Goose and smell maple syrup at the same time that’s cause, it is.

Before we walked over to the Promenade to shop for clothes for the weekend I would ask her to hold out both hands. I would put Rule #2 in her right hand and a red wig in her left hand and. Rule #2: Live by the Serenity Prayer.

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (Those pricks called the Paparazzi) change the things I can (my hair color) and the wisdom to know the difference.”
I would then say, “I too want to put big slimy pieces of chewing gum in the hair of the of the Princess Diana killing Paparazzi. However, we can’t stop them from doing their job, so we might as well do what HonestChitChat does best, “Make this itty-bitty- pity- party into a costume party.” (In come the wigs.) Today you are going to be a Debra Messing red head. I’m gonna divert the attention as I wear an afro wig and sing Jackson 5 songs. No one will look at you while they look at me, the little white girl who thinks she’s black. (Minus, the wig…not too far from reality mo fo.)

We would hit all the good stores, but pass up Victoria Secrets and Fredericks of Hollywood, since the both of us like flying commando anyway. I would then go off on a tangent and say, “Did people forget that prior to “the fall” Adam and Eve did not need to wear any garments cause they felt no shame? Therefore all people who wear underwear feel full of shame and we’re the only free ones. Long live the free!” All I have to say to all of you shame filled “humanites” is briefs, bikini or birthday suit, “Jesus loves you.” On the same vein I would explain to her Rule #3: Anti-britches wearing babes know their etiquette. I would then give Britney instructions on How to: Gracefully get out of a sports car without with out letting anyone know that you are a “Commando flying chick.”

Back at the house, when we were all dressed and the scent of hairspray was almost stronger than the scent of my Flower Bomb perfume I would ask Britney, “what’s your number for the night?” She would then say, “I thought you had it… It’s area code (310)….” I would then say, “No, your drink number.” Rule #4: Pick a number of drinks you are going to drink for the night and stick to it. You know how much you can handle before you go from “rockin’ out” to “blacken’ out.” So I’ll tell you my number you tell me yours and we’ll keep each other accounted for. Cause everyone knows that real friends can simultaneously count cocktails and turn a cherry stem into a knot using their tongue.

After we were all settled in at the club and the VIP attendant handed Britney her drink, I would hand her Rule #5: HAVE A GOOD FREAKIN’ TIME! Dance on the tables, start a conga line, convince someone that face paint with lipstick is the new indie thing. Whatever makes you laugh. Just remember that if you get the itch to want to head over to the Roosevelt Hotel AKA. Coke Head Headquarters you are not abiding by Rule #5. Cause if you’re having fun, you don’t need to do drugs. Having fun is your job, you make it fun, but drugs are the uncreative-person- who-doesn’t-know-how-to-have-fun-poor-soul-fun. If you need any further instruction on “How to have fun” Just watch me J I’ll be starting a game of limbo with the VIP rope.

We would finish off the weekend with trips to PinkBerry, laying out in Malibu, pick up some beads and make funky bracelets, hit another club on Saturday, scream at people on Sunset Blvd. (well at least I would), stop at Starbucks before church on Sunday and try Patty’s new recipe for shrimp tostada bites at a chill barbeque. All Britney needs is some real friends to show her some moderation, but not kill her wild child edge. The girl doesn’t need rehab, all she needs are good friend to show her how to live life…… or…… SO I THOUGHT….

So this, “How I would fix Britney Spears” remedy has been my running joke for awhile now. I had some friends so convinced that it would work that we started plotting out how we would stake out her rehab center and befriend her with a venti-upside-caramel macchiato frappacinno. It was really funny until I realized that I was more like patient Britney and less like Dr. HonestChitChat than I thought. Beyond the facts that we share the same astrological sign (Sagittarius) and our ability to drink a pitcher of mojitos in 15 minutes flat, we both have had friends and family who have tried to fix us of our bad habits and poor choices. They sit us down with great advice in one hand and a hammer in the other (to be used if we don’t take said great advice.)

The funny thing I have found is that when you have a problem everyone you talk to believes without a doubt that they know how to fix you. You know the types, it’s the Christian who automatically spouts out, “You just need Jesus.” Or the nutritionist that says, “Less sugar. More greens.” The Yogi, who prescribes, “No red meat and meditation 3 times a day.” The girlfriend who says, “Season 3 of Sex and the City, a pint of Hagen Dazz ice cream and if that doesn’t work, I’m buying you a vibrator.” What I have found is that not one scripture verse, yoga pose or plate of arugula can fix someone.

The thing is I am blessed enough to say is that I truly have the best friends in the ENTIRE WORLD. Nothing compares to their amazing advice, fun girls nights, encouraging text messages, thoughtful greeting cards, day trips and flowers left on my car. I truly feel encouraged and loved. Yet, it wasn’t until I heard a friend crying over the pain she felt from seeing my pain that I felt the tables turn when I saw what it’s like to be the patient and not the doctor. I realized that as much as my friends had done to help me it still wasn’t enough. Even if they were to present me with a Tiffany blue box holding the magic wand that would magically fix everything the wand still wouldn’t work. Why? Because I will not change until I pick up that scary wand and actually use it to change my life. Britney and I won’t change no matter how much help we get, we can only change when we decide, “I want to change.”

As an advice giver this is all quite humbling to me. I pride myself in giving good, honest, discerning advice to my friends. I have felt so much frustration with my own friends wishing, praying, pleading that they would just take my advice, stick to their drink number and dump that dude. I have orchestrated in my head that one sunset moment in a coffee shop when they finally don’t look at me like I’m speak Swahili, tilt their head and say, “Oh my gosh you’re right. My boyfriend is a narcissistic and abusive jerk and I am an alcoholic because of it. Excuse me I have to go dump him.” Fortuanately, I don’t dream about that anymore. I now have the gift of understanding. I know now that this sunset moment can’t be created by my own magic wand and no one else has the magic wand full of advice for me. We all have our own. Time will tell when we pick it up and use it.

“The power is in your pocket.”

– Becky Lynn Overton