My whole life I could never decide if I wanted to be “IN” or “OUT.” My mom has a series of picture of me from a day at preschool when the kids were playing “Ring around the Rosie”. All the kids are playing and I am standing about 20 feet away from the group of 40 kids just watching. LIttle boys in sweater vests and little girls in pinafores approach me and ask me to play and I just shake my pigtails, “no thank you.” I eventually got over my shy phase and joined the party as an outspoken class clown, a cheerleader and a party girl. After a few years of partying I was warming myself under a heat lamp in a club patio wondering, “Do I want to play with those kids running around in circles and taking shots?” So I found a new group to play with…. church. I went to Mexico and built houses. I served breakfast to the homeless,  and used the words, “satan,” “sin” and “sexual purity” on a daily basis.  Then one night at a bible study I found myself surrounded by a group of wholesome people and feeling the urge to drop the f-bomb and drink a 6-pack, out of nowhere.

So what do you think? Just another 20 something year old girl trying to find herself? Should I try a different climate? Maybe a different religion? Everyone has found their matching lego piece that fit them right in to the rest of the bunch that built around who they are. Maybe I just haven’t looked far enough toward the back of the couch?

Or maybe I’m not a lego piece. Maybe I’m a floater. A “dead man floater”  to be exact. When my mom was teaching me how to swim the first thing she taught me was, “The dead mans float.” It’s where you get on your belly and float on the surface of the water, face down. Sure  you think it’s easy now but to a 5 year an olmpic size pool of water that could suffocate you and prevent you from ever going to Disneyland again is scary.  At first I was terrified, begging my mom not to let me go. Then when she did let me go I realized that I could simultaneously see the bottom of the pool and hear everyone above water laughing. It was as if I was in a completely seperate world. A blurry world that was kind of muffled, but I was the only one there. I couldn’t really communicate with anyone else underwater the fun was just in floating there and enjoying being in both worlds at once.  Thats where I float today. A little bit between two worlds. I still don’t think I fit in with one group of people at all. Sometimes I feel like the eternal outcast, the black sheep and the lego piece that doesn’t fit, but that’s cool cause by floating I get to experience a totally different world. As different as Saturday night bars are from Sunday morning pulpits, is as different as my little world. Neither night or day really fits me.  I think I am satisfied to cruise as a floater around twilight. Bumping from place to place. Seeing a little bit of whatever I am up for. I don’t think I will ever be “IN” and I won’t ever be “OUT” but, I’ll enjoy being right here.

Oh violet bridesmaids dress, I loved you so,

I miss the way you gently made my waist grow!

Yet I will always have affection for you Periwinkle blue,

the way your long chiffon protected me from groomsmen spew.

But, no one compares to you Hooker Red,

The way you kept all eyes on me as the conga line was led.

Oh bridesmaids dresses, you are a honor to wear,

True friendship wears all colors without a care.

Now that I have probably dis-throwned myself from ever being asked again to be in another wedding for the rest of my life I can blog this morning…..(*Side note (or attempt to get foot out of mouth)…I really have felt honored to be in every wedding that I have been asked to be in. No matter what the dresses have looked like, I think its an even trade for the jokes I make during my speeches So a friend of mine is getting married and she has led her ladies passed the Jessica McClintock, Macy’s and Bloomingdales stores and decided to stop in front of  Anthropologie for her dresses.

I think this is a genius idea! One of the girls in the wedding said, “I will ACTUALLY wear this dress again.” I took a look at the Anthropologie dresses this morning and they are so super duper cute! If you are going to spend $150 -$200 on a dress then what better place to spend it then at a place that you can also pick up some new drawer knobs? Cuteness all around! Check out the Maritime one below! Have a great weekend girls!

Love, HonestChitChat

How do you tell your girlfriend that she rocks? Make her a block! For Lana girls birthday I got crafty and made her an itty bitty block with pictures of us at her fab-parties, with a little note on the bottom.  She is so cute and has been such a good friend that she deserved to be cemented on the block of fame. It came out pretty cute too…Make one for your best girlfriends…

Tools:

2×2 inch block, pink paint, jewels and gem stones, blackand white photos cropped to 2×2 inches, rubber cement glue, sealant, paint brushes.

How to:

1.) Select the photos you want to use and change them to black and white in photo shop, by changing the “mode”

2.) Crop photos to 2×2

3.) Paint little block pink

4.) Cut out excess background from pictures

5.) Glue on dried block.

6.) Write little quote, “I love you friend” or a personal note to your beloved friend in photoshop. Crop the note to 2×2 inches and get it developed on photo paper with your other black and white prints. Glue it on the top and bottom of the block.

7.) Adhere all jewels, gems and princess like bedazzlements!

8.) Paint on sealant so everything stays in one memorable place.

9.) Make a wish on your block that you and your friend will stay friends forever, through thick and thin, summer and winter, chick flicks, the office and burnt spaghetti!

Love your BFF,

HonestChitChat 

One of my best girl friends in the whole wide world was telling me about a book she was reading. It’s called Three cups of tea. She explained the name to me. If you are a guest you get 1 cup of tea. If you are a friend you get 2 cups of tea. If you are a friend thats practically family you get 3 cups of tea. I got all, “my little pony” and “cabbage patch doll” on her and gushed, “You are a 3 cups of tea kind of friend to me!” Esspcially since her book inspired my new art piece in my Etsy.com shop.

After thinking about this a little more though I thought about the signifigance of having “tea” with a friend. I mean you can easily down 3 cocktails at a bar on a friday night with some gal pals, you can easily walk down to Java Joes with your co-workers 3 times in one day and then bolt back to your cube, but how many people can you really sit and have 3 cups of tea with? How many friends do I have that are patient enough to sit with me through all of my drama, jokes and reinactments of lunacy in broad daylight? If you have a “3 cups of tea kind of friend” I suggest you hold on to them tight and make them some cupcakes tonight cause those kind of sweeties are a rare and exotic sugar cane.

However, as far as tea goes…..I am way over it! I was doing a detox for the past few months and the only way I will ever take green tea again is if it’s a ice cream, fozen yogurt or mochi flavor. However, if you want the best Soy milk chai tea in the WHOLE WIDE IRVINA WORLD…(which covers travel to 6 countries) you’ll want to go to Alta in Newport Beach. It only comes in medium though (which equals 3 Irvina mini tea cups Have great day friends! xoxoxo

I’ll let you in on a secret….I think that I am pretty funny. I think it’s the gift of being half Jewish and half Mexican…or as I like to call myself a “Jew Jew Bean” A little chair raising with a pinata in the air and you have a fiesta with one jolly chick…Me!

So I was visiting my little sister up in San Fran this weekend when to my delight we were cordially invited to a Sedar dinner. Being the Jew for Jesus that I am I was so stoked to attend! To the unfortunate melody of my rumbling stomache I learned that the Jews in San Fran take on a Sedar dinner Old testament style where they sacrafise their blood sugar for the sake of knowledge and God. Meaning they did the ritual prayers before dinner…Let me give you the stats: 4 hours of sitting through rituals and chow time didn’t start till midnight. I told my sister, “The Christians Sedar dinner is better…we eat…then we pray….and we get carrot cake!” My sister scolded me with her hazel eyes. But, really I took pictures to show evidence of my inncoence. Look at the scene below. Grown women are so hungry that they are throwing back their heads in angst. Before it was even time to eat it the matzo bread was rationed without one measurment of the carb content. *Dinner Party Tip of the day….If you’re going to host a Sedar dinner (and want the people to blog about the food) feed the people first….but if you have to sit through it get creative and make yourself a …..

Jew Jew Bean doll…like I did! Sexy ain’t she? And if you really know how to play your cards right you’ll get lucky with a sweet little sis like mine…..

 …who will reward your patience and take you to Tangerine in San Francisco for breakfast. Order the Zuchinni Latke. It ain’t no Gefilte Fish! Trust me! Shalom!

So for all my fabulous fans you know I have taken a step away from writing and dove into some creating. Ahhhhhhhh the beauty of being misdiagnosed as “Creative” instead of “ADD” Can you imagine me on Ritalin? It’s a shame really I could probably make the best batch of Peanut-Brittle-Ritallin you ever did taste! I need to market that!

Anyway, I have been working on these mixed media pieces. I am thinking of scanning them and making them into a little box of greeting cards. I am going to sell the originals and prints on my Etsy shop. Here’s a fun little game for you guys. Can you find the old bridemaids dress fabric that I cut up and glue on the artwork? *Past victimized- faux -fashioned- bridesmaids in the same wedding are prohibited from playing.

So just as much as easily as I get bored of my favorite pair of jeans, I get bored of coconut french toast. Yes, it’s possible. So I have been busting out some new breakfast recipes. The other splendid, sunday morning I tried out a a fritata recipe  I had and I was really shocked that it was actually easy to make (Like EASSSSSSSSSY…were talkin…EASY BAKE OVEN style- EASY) . The recipe serves 4 generously, I say round up the ladies and have a sunny brunch before you hit the beach!  

Friendly Fritata recipe

Serves 4 ladies, girls or 3 hungry chicks with low blood sugar

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 small onion, diced

2 cloves garlic

1 red bell pepper, chopped

2 tablespoons dried oregano

3 cups fresh spinach

½ teaspoon salt

1 ¼ cups egg substitute

¼ cup milk

Pinch black pepper

1.)    Heat the oil in a large non stick skillet over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, bell pepper and oregano. Cook, stirring, until the onion turns golden, about 5 minutes. Add the spinach and half the salt, cover and cook until the spinach is wilted, about 2 minutes

2.)    Preheat the broiler

3.)    Whisk together the liquid egg, milk, the remaining salt and the black pepper in a small bowl

4.)    Pour the mixture into a pie tin, put over flame and stir gently to combine with spinach mixture. Cook, stirring gently, for about 2 minutes, lifting the edges to allow uncooked egg to run underneath. Cook until the top is sent, about another 3 mintues.

5.)    Place the pie tin under the broiler for abou 3 m inutes or until the frittata is golden brown and a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

This is super yummy served with a whole grain toast!

 For all my blogging, writing, Princesses out there!

Keep your candy canes close at hand!

The Pretty Witty Writer had lots to write about! 

 Down came the critics that freaked the writer out!

Out came the Princess that wacked them with a candy cane!

And the Pretty Witty Writer started to write again!

How to: Have the Best Party Etiquette
Live for today, Plan for tomorrow, Party tonight! – Author Unknown

So I meant to post this back during the holidays when everyone was ever so nonchalantly pouring half the bottle of red wine into their Santa Clause mugs, sending SOS texts to their friends in the bathroom and pretending that they got some garland stuck in their eyelashes when they were caught rolling their eyes at the drunk speeches about how “most of those immigrants are fat and Jesus probably doesn’t even like rice and beans.” Sorry to leave you hangin’ but HonestChitChat was busy getting “Trophy wife” lessons from her mom. Yes, I now officially know how to make Cioppino and (sort of) knit. Now I can marry a rich sailor, use the fish and shrimp he catches to make into a stew and knit some cute little oven mitts with a gold anchor on them that go with our nautical themed kitchen… TOTALLY JOKING.… But, I’m really insulted that you think I would actually have a nautical themed kitchen. That’s so 1987.

Anyway, between all the parties I was prancing around I noticed the same uninvited guest at all of them, AWKWARD Girl. You can’t see her, but she’s there sitting on the shoulder of the most unexpected girls (and even some guys.) She’s so tacky and un cute and says rude things like, “You are lame” And “You are wearing the wrong dress.” She’s a hoe accessorized wearing earrings that clink with anxiety and handing out bangles of depression. The sad thing is when she’s around everyone forgets their Party Etiquette and instead pick up Awkward Etiquette. Tragedy on the social front! Well I have decided that we all need to wage war on Awkward Girl so I have called in PARTY Girl to the rescue. Now PARTY girl always has the best etiquette, is always so cute no matter what she’s wearing (cause it doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, this ain’t no fashion show it’s a PARTY.) So I am giving you all PARTY girl powers for all of your upcoming St.Patty’s Day parties, birthday parties, tea parties, weddings, birthdays, engagements, beer brewings, tequila tastings and rubber duck derbies that you all plan on attending this Spring. May the PARTY Girl etiquette powers be with you!

P- Present

A- Acknowledge

R- Relieve

T- Talk

Y- Yiddish

Present: You are the present. You did not get invited because you know how to properly hold a wine glass by the stem (as interesting and cute as you look doing that.) You are there because somebody wants you PRESENT. So relax and PRESENT yourself as you are. Besides bringing yourself you also want to bring an actual, tangible, maybe drinkable? (Hint..hint) PRESENT to share. Consider it a “Thank you for having such good taste in people like me gift” gift. The bottle can also double as a weapon against Awkward girl when she shows up on your shoulder. Instructions: Take the bottle and wack her with it. If that doesn’t work stab her with the bottle opener. Tell her “Sorry sistah, ain’t no room for an awkward girl at this V.I.P. party. Why don’t you go bleed outside.”

Acknowledge: Okay so maybe you got invited to a party where you know absolutely no one, but the person who brought you. Instead of talking to Awkward Girl about how you really need to buy a new deodorant because you can smell the b.o. that is staining your white laced blouse why don’t you grab Party Girl and go find the person who is throwing this party. As in the person who lives here, maybe the bride, the little leprechaun with the dreadlocks passing out the four leaf clover shaped brownies. It’s nice for a host/hostess to be acknowledged and hear that the hot pink chandelier in the kitchen was a good call.

Relieve: If you can’t relieve yourself of Awkward girl why don’t you try and relieve someone else. Lets say there is 36 guests and only one person cutting birthday cake, scooping ice cream and handing out slices. Be a great guest and relieve some of the stress of the birthday girl. Offer to hand out slices of the yummy apple cake. Did you see someone accidentally spill punch on the leather sectional sofa? Do you not know what a paper towel is? The PARTY girl will tell you: Paper towel: White with sporadic splashes of color. Usually contains a small flower print. Sturdier than toilette paper, softer than printer paper. Usually kept in the kitchen to the right of the sink. Disposable and useful during a spill. Hop to the helping with the mess and be called a great guest!

Talk: I tend to talk a lot. That’s why I have this blog so no one can interrupt me while I speak. Yes, I have 5 sisters. I don’t think a lot about what I say before I say it. This makes for a lot of awkward moments and equally a lot of laughs. Personally I think whatever politically incorrect, slightly ditzy, gender biased thing I have to say is far better than any thing Awkward girl has to say. When I don’t have anything good to say I cock my head to the right, smile and say “Do you know if there are any current studies on if sea turtles have gay tendencies?” As in I ask other people questions. It shows good etiquette when you can talk to people. I would take a good look around a party and see if you notice anyone else being ambushed by Awkward girl. If you see such a unfortunate soul you know how much this sucks. So why don’t you use some PARTY girl etiquette and save them. Everyone loves a hero. So ask the bartender to make you a mint julep and go yackety yack with the lonesome one and if they know about the turtle thing you let me know.

Yiddish: Don’t think I can’t hear you. “Yiddish? What the frick HonestChitChat, I came here because I changed my outfit 10 times before this frickin’ party and my date is going to be here in 11 minutes and you want to take the time to take me over the Atlantic and give me a history lesson?!?!” Let me explain and I would go with the short white one. I’m Jewish. Actually I am Check Slovakian Jewish and Mexican. I call myself a “Chex-Mex” “Always good at a party.” Anyway when Awkward Girl shows up remember that I (the beloved author of your favorite blog) could have been one of the Yiddish speaking Jews who got killed in the Holocaust. However for some awkward twist of fate between toe tags, baklavas and the attraction between two people in the L.A. county court house I am a party hopping 20 something girl today. Life is short girls, have a good time while your human experience lasts. Pull your shoulders back, stick your boobs out,, get some chutzpah and smile (those braces were expensive.) Mazel Tov!

Sometimes I think if I was a dog it would be so nice,

Well besides the food and getting lice.

How sweet it would be to not have to work so hard,

To sunbathe naked all day in the yard.

To not be shakin’ by an alarm clock from my slumber,

To not ask, “Does this leash make me look dumber?”

To not have to pay bills, study or care about my weight,

For once to have it be proper etiquette to lick from the plate.

To have every cute guy say, “I want to be a dad and have 9 kids with you.”

Course monogamy isn’t a trick dogs know how to do.

Actually dogs don’t get much of a choice,

Their lives are like hanging out the window of a Rolls Royce.

Never getting to decide where the car might go,

Who knew there was so much power in the words, “yup” and “heck no!”

I decide if I want to sip a cocktail by the beach

Or if a latte and renaissance art is more my speech.

I decide if I want to spend money on turquoise stilettos and  getting inked,

Or if I’d rather take a trip to Mozambique.

For lunch I can choose between sushi, rabbit or tofurkey meat,

I can decide the toe nail color on my feet.

I decide my faith, my job and when I have sex

And speaking of that, when my boyfriend becomes my “x.”

A dog may get a lot of time to chillax,

But being able to say, “yup” and “heck no”

Is worth learning how to fax.